Teens and Self-Esteem

by Joan Kuipers, M.A., as told to Valerie Nanninga Engeltjes, M.A.

When people say to you, "These are the best years of your life," question their memory. It's tough being a teenager.

The teenage years are a limbo area. You're no longer dependent children, yet you're not independent adults. You have to deal with tremendous peer pressure. Sure, you know about the obvious ones like cutting class. But sometimes this pressure is unconscious and just a normal byproduct of your age group.

You find yourself in a population that is constantly judging you and expecting things from you. That's hard to live up to day after day. You're constantly expected to say the right thing, wear the right clothes, look the right way, belong to the right group, have the right friends, and be in the right place at the right time. That's a lot of pressure to handle. Add dealing with school and family, and it's a stress-filled time.

You want to please your peers, you also want to please adults. Sometimes in all your efforts to please everyone else, you forget about taking care of yourself.

Here's a news flash: All teenagers suffer from insecurity. Yes, that means the captain of the football team, the science whiz, the first chair violinist. It's just that different people handle it differently. Some people actually are destructive and turn to drugs or vandalism because of their feelings of inadequacy. Obviously, this isn't a positive way to deal with your feelings. So how can you help yourself?

First of all, stop always putting yourself out, trying to make other people think you're cool. How do you make yourself feel like you're cool?

One step you can take is to get involved in something you really like to do. Now be honest. Choose something because you truly enjoy it, not because so-and-so does it and not because Mom and Dad said you had to.

Being honest is difficult. But you'll find you can't lie or fool yourself. You can't convince yourself you like something or want to be a part of something just because your best friend's doing it if you truly hate it. You're going to start to feel lousy about your involvement. Make sure when you choose, it's something just for you.

Next, don't try to be friends with everybody. Make an effort to connect with one or two really good people you trust, people you can talk to. Almost everyone has a special friend they've had for years and whom they feel really good around.

Making good solid connections with one or two people as opposed to trying to be friends with the entire drama club or cheerleading squad is a good way to take care of yourself. In the times when you're most depressed, sad, or vulnerable, the cheerleading squad is not going to take care of you. It's going to be yourself, your parents, and one or two other people who are going to be sensitive and genuinely concerned about how you're making it through something.

Unfortunately there's only so much you can control. What do you do about the people who make you feel bad? What about someone who starts a rumor about you? Or the person who flips you off in the hallway? Or the person who makes you feel like you have to do something when you don't want to?

These are hard questions. You need to be very true to yourself. Think about you. Think about what you want when these situations come up. Think about how you're feeling. Think about the most constructive way to take care of yourself in that situation. Then do it.

When people hurt, they do a variety of activities to feel better. Some turn up the stereo while others eat a hot fudge sundae. Some people call a friend and others go to the mall.

But there are also people who get drunk or stoned or wreck someone's car. These are ineffective ways of dealing with feelings. The odd part is, usually people feel worse afterwards. The drunk lasted for a few hours, but afterwards the problem is still there. It's like putting a bandaid on your side when you have appendicitis.

Reevaluate how effective the methods you've chosen are for you. Sometimes people don't care about finding a different method, but they do care about making themselves feel better. Ultimately, the responsibility lies with you, but use other people as resources to help you deal with problems and dilemmas.

Another positive step you can learn is how to forgive yourself. Sure we all make stupid, embarrassing mistakes, but we survive them. Do you punish yourself over and over for something you said or did? If you've hurt someone and apologized, accept his or her forgiveness and forgive yourself. If we could all learn to forgive ourselves the way God forgives us (God actually forgets), then we'd be more peaceful and more comfortable with who we are.

Being comfortable with who we are is difficult when so many of our peers are telling us what they expect of us. As a teenager, you probably don't throw out what you think of yourself, but you may put it on hold. Believe it or not, what you think of yourself is more important than what others think of you.

This means having a good evaluation of who you are. I've known girls who completely fall apart because the boy they have a crush on didn't say "hi" to them. I want to say, "Come on. You're a fully functioning young female. You do not live life on this earth to make so-and-so in a pair of jeans happy. You have capability. You're attractive. You're smart. You have a personality all your own. Your being is not dependent on whether he interacts with you or whether he said 'hi' to you this morning." The same goes for guys. It's important for you to develop your own sense of self-worth and capability that is separate from your interaction (or lack of interaction) with the opposite sex.

Do you know teenagers can be their own worst enemies? Sometimes teens can be so cruel to each other. They cut each other down and make cruel gestures. There's a lot of competitiveness among teens to be cool. People can be so afraid of looking like a nerd, they can be afraid to take risks.

Try to be easier on each other. Try to be a little more kind. If you treat others better, you'll feel better about yourself. You'll notice the change.

Be careful what you say, to each other. Life will be full and your way of communicating with the world is not going to be cut down at all if you quit using cruel gestures. Why flip someone off? Everyone does it, so it's not even original. Watch your language. Maybe you don't realize the impact you make when you call someone a name. If there are some real jerks in your life, ask an adult who can teach you some words that can handle them without using hostile, hurtful ones. Find words that are effective, but not as destructive.

Sometimes it helps to think of your self-esteem and that of everyone's around you as a big piece of paper. Let's follow John through a normal day. He starts with a whole piece of paper. On the bus, some kids pushed him down. Rip off a piece of the paper. At noon, someone smashed his lunch. Rip off a piece of paper. In the hall, someone called him a queer. Rip off a piece of paper. When he got home, his parents yelled at him because of a poor grade. Rip off another piece of paper. By the time John was ready to go to bed at night, he didn't have much paper--or self-esteem--left.

Try not to rip another person's self-esteem. What's more important, to be kind or to be cool? Is it better to have some people think you're a nerd or to actually be a cruel, big-mouth jerk? In the long run, the "nerd" is going to have closer, warmer relationships than the person who's a mouth.

As important as it is to have peer friends, also find some adults you can trust and talk to. This can be a difficult time to talk to Mom and Dad, but they do really care about you and want you to be able to go to them. Your transition from childhood to adulthood is difficult for them, too. There are new patterns and rules and ways of relating you have to work through together.

Other adults can be important, too. A teacher, an aunt or uncle, a clergyperson, a neighbor. Find an adult who respects your opinion, asks about your ideas, gives you advice when you ask for it, apologizes to you when they hurt you, accepts your apology when you hurt them, laughs with (not at) you, encourages you, takes you seriously, gives you constructive criticism, and values your friendship.

You're at a special age where you're coming into your own. You're having opinions. You have an intensity of life. You have idealism. You are a unique individual with a special contribution to make. Don't ever forget that and don't let anyone demean the person are.