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by Anne C. Cunningham, Ph.D.
It is the lot of all of us to be single for some period of our lives.
Although most of us will marry, this in itself does not insure that we
will never be single. Consider the high rates of divorce in the U.S. and
the likelihood that many women will outlive their spouses in the natural
course of life. None of us--especially those of us who are women--can
count on a partner throughout life.
As a clinician, in my practice I see unmarried people who are anxious,
almost desperate, about the lack of a loving spouse in their lives. I
also see unmarried people who are not desperate about their single status.
They fill their lives with usefulness and creative endeavors.
How can we explain the different adjustments to being single? The answer
lies in people's differing capacity to be alone. What is "the capacity
to be alone?"
Donald Winnicott, a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst, explained
the capacity to be alone more than 30 years ago. He wrote:
It is probably true to say that...more has been written on the fear
of being alone or the wish to be alone than on the ability
to be alone It would seem to me that a discussion on the positive
aspects of the capacity to be alone is overdue. (1958, p. 29)
Winnicott proposes that the capacity to be alone in adult life starts
with infants' experience of being alone in the presence of their mother.
He says infants begin to develop a sense of the "I" when they
are in a relaxed state in the presence of their mother. When they're like
this, the impulses they experience are real and personal.
Winnicott suggests that the capacity to be alone depends on the baby's
secure attachment to the mother. The infant is peaceful in her presence
without being anxious about her departure. As the secure child grows,
the child will no longer need the constant physical presence of the mother,
but will be able to be alone without anxiety for longer periods.
According to Winnicott, the capacity to be alone--first in the presence
of the mother and then in her absence--is related to the person's capacity
to get in touch with his/her true inner feelings. Unless this happens,
some people develop what he calls a "false self" based on compliance
with others' wishes rather than on the individual's own true feelings.
So the capacity to be alone is a prerequisite for true intimacy. Without
it, one cannot express one's true feelings to another.
True intimacy is marked by an ability to share openly and fully with
another human being while maintaining a sense of oneself as separate from
the other and not wholly dependent upon them.
This involves tolerating the emotional risk of loss or rejection that
is inherent in all human relationships. For example, to love intimately,
one must face and tolerate the possible loss of that loved person for
any number of reasons, without experiencing a complete loss of self or
purpose in life. Drawing from inner emotional resources, as well as those
gained through relationships with other people, creates a sense of resilience
and openness that allows intimacy to occur.
The capacity for intimacy may differ for men and women, in part, because
of social influences.
For example, women are generally taught to be more relationship-oriented,
deriving more of their sense of self from relating and giving to others.
Men, however, are often taught to be more independent and less reliant
on others to define their sense of self.
Each of these gender influences can pose a threat to true intimacy with
women running the risk of "giving too much" in relationships
while some men find it difficult to be vulnerable emotionally within relationships.
Many influences will affect an individual's capacity for intimacy. This
capacity will vary primarily according to the degree of security and stability
he/she experienced in relationships with primary caregivers early in life,
in which trust and safety develop.
In my clinical work, I sometimes see people who put up with almost anything
from their spouse because they are so afraid of being alone. They say
what they think their spouse wants to hear so their spouse doesn't get
angry and abandon them.
On the other hand, those individuals who appear to have the best marriages
are not afraid to say what they think--including when they are angry.
They expect much of their partners. They are willing to be in touch with
their inner self and reveal that self to the other. This is the basis
for intimacy both in and outside of marriage.
Although we value marriage for many reasons, including its potential
to meet intimacy needs and provide a place where one can reveal one's
true self, still the unmarried person can find ways to be intimate with
others.
If we think about it, people who are not in our immediate family are
very important to most of us. If we only needed our family members to
fulfill needs, then it would never be stressful to move from one city
or one neighborhood to another because we take our families with us.
Yet, it is a common experience that a move to a different city is emotionally
stressful. The neighbors, the store clerks in your usual shopping areas,
the librarian who remembers your favorite books, the friendly staff in
schools your children attend, and the members of your church all provide
you with a sense of belonging. This sense of community is larger than
your immediate family, and it can give you a sense of intimacy.
Most of us had or will have some periods in our life when a loving partner
is not available for sexual activity. What does this mean to our sense
of self and our well-being?
Sometimes people are alone because their capacity to be in intimate relationships
is either not developed or damaged. For example, a person who has been
hurt or neglected emotionally in the past, may fear entering into an intimate
relationship. Even these people can enjoy solitary activities or find
ways to relate with others that are less intimate, but still meaningful,
such as the pleasant interactions many have at work.
For many people--especially men--loving, genital sexuality is the same
as intimacy. But this is not the only road to intimacy. Nor is it necessary
at every part of one's life. Otherwise, how would children or elderly
men who have lost the capacity for genital sexuality ever feel close to
others or be happy?
Physical or sexual intimacy is a natural expression of emotional
intimacy, although not a necessary one. Good friends may feel emotionally
intimate, but experience no desire for physical closeness. Factors that
influence whether intimate feelings will be expressed physically include:
degree of sexual attraction, personal comfort with physical intimacy,
and social or moral conviction about sexual interaction.
And what about people who have chosen a celibate life, such as
Catholic priests and nuns. Are they abnormal, unhappy, and unfulfilled?
In Different Sexual Worlds, a priest discusses his celibacy:
Celibacy is a form of love in which, instead of focusing your love
on one person, you learn to focus on a whole community. And for a priest,
that means learning to share his love with the whole community in which
he lives. A priest must learn to love the community with the same power
that a young man would try to bring to his bride or give to his family.
A priest's celibacy is not a closing of the heart or a pulling back,
but rather one must learn to share one's love with a whole lot of people.
(1991, p. 71).
Individuals who find themselves living a celibate lifestyle not by choice
may experience frustration of sexual desires or impulses. However, this
is not a universal experience.
There is a difference between physical intimacy and sexual drives. Though
physical or sexual intimacy does provide expression for sexual impulses,
sexual drives can find expression without an intimate relationship with
another person. Obviously, an individual's personal comfort and religious
or moral belief will dictate how these sexual drives are met--if at all.
Most of us accept that intense sexual fulfillment is a sometimes thing,
even for those who are married. And for those who are not currently married,
the sense of fulfillment varies. It is a matter of common knowledge that
many single people can and do take opportunities to give and receive sexual
pleasure. However, these opportunities are mostly available to the young
and early middle-aged. Older people, especially women, may not have the
same opportunities. What does this do to their sense of fulfillment? Those
who have the capacity to be alone turn to the resources within themselves
for completion and satisfaction. What goes on in the human being when
he or she is alone is as important as what happens in interactions with
people. For many people, ordinary interests and most creative pursuits
take place in solitude.
For example, hobbies such as needlework or reading are often solitary
activities. This time spent alone reflects the degree to which a person
develops skills or knowledge merely for his/her own benefit or sense of
accomplishment.
We may consider ourselves having drives for companionship and love. We
also have drives towards independence and autonomy. We, ourselves, need
emotional nurturance as much as our relationships do.
When we are single, we may use our capacity to be alone to develop those
deeper parts of the self we might otherwise ignore. Those who are older
may look back on the enthusiasms of their youth and again take up interests
and solitary activities long-abandoned during the busy period of early
and middle adulthood. With a sense of rhythm and flow of life, we can
accept the single life as well as the external world of family and community.
Bibliography
Skeen, Dick. "Living a Life of Committed Celibacy within a Sexual
Society. Case Study of Father Patrick Graddy." Different Sexual
Worlds: Contemprary Case Studies of Sexuality. Lexington, Massachusetts.
C.C. Heath. 1991.
Storr, Anthony. Solitude: A Return to the Self. New York: Ballantine
Books. 1998.
Winnicott, D.W. "The Capacity to Be Alone." The Maturational
Processes and the Facilitating Environment. London: Hogarth Press,
p. 29. 1958/1969.
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