Beyond "Doing It": Raising Sexual People

by Daniel Henderson, Ph.D.

"Sex before eight, or its too late!" This is a motto of an organization notorious for promoting adult sexual behavior with children. This organization's very existence is testimony to the various, often grossly distorted views of sexuality that permeate our society.

Yet, there is a sense in which the motto is absolutely correct. When I was asked to write an article addressing parent-teen communication about sex, one of my first thoughts was we do wait too long to teach our children what it means to be sexual.

Actually, I doubt there is a "too late" when it comes to establishing open communication with our children. However, if as parents we wait until our children are in their teens to talk about sexuality, we lose valuable time and opportunities. We make our task much more difficult--not to mention that by that time, our children have already had substantial input, directly and indirectly, about sexuality from peers, media, school, extended family, church, etc."

I often meet with youth and adults in my office who are surprised to learn their parents have an active sexual relationship. It is as if they believe their parents engaged in sexual intimacy only enough times to produce however many offspring they have.

Many parents mistakenly try to hide their sexuality from their children. Parents must distinguish between privacy and secrecy.

I want my children to know their mother and I have an active, enjoyable, vital sexual relationship. It is nothing to hide or be embarrassed about. However, they are not privy to the particulars of that relationship. When a child of any age asks, "Do you have sex?" the answer should be an enthusiastic "Yes!" If that same child asks, "What kind of sex did you have last night?" (not, I admit, a very likely question, but it makes the point), the answer is, "None of your business."

Our communication about sex should occur as naturally as our communication about spiritual matters (sexuality is a spiritual matter). We nurture our children in the Lord from the day they are born. We adapt our message to fit the child's development level. We start simply and build from there.

Most of us would not even dream of waiting until our children were twelve or thirteen to introduce the Gospel message. The same should be true for sex.

The message should be tailored to match the child's understanding. Then, the child grows up recognizing that his/her sexuality is an essential aspect of what it means to be a child of God, created in God's image: "Then God said, "Let us make humankind in our image according to our likeness." ...So God created humankind in the image of God, in the image of God they were created; male and female God created them." Genesis 1:26-27.

One reason we delay talking to our children about sex--or try to conceal our own sexuality from them--is that we fail to recognize there is far more to our sexuality than engaging in sexual acts. We are sexual beings long before we engage in intercourse.

We must convey to our children that being sexual is far more than knowing what goes where or how far one can go and still keep a clear conscience. When we fail to understand or express this, we have fallen prey to our society's distortion of sexuality.

Too often when we talk with adolescents about sexuality, we focus on what not to do sexually. Instead, we must teach them how to be sexual people in the context of the Christian walk. The injunction to abstain from sex until marriage may seem arbitrary to a teenager who sees many friends engaging in sexual activity with apparently little if any negative result. Indeed, many teenagers and adults have sex outside marriage and do not particularly feel the worse for it. The warning that sex outside marriage will inevitably bring dire consequences does not ring true.

Nonetheless, we live in a time when there is great concern about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), especially AIDS. This creates a sense of urgency in trying to educate teens about the risks associated with sex.

Unfortunately, teenagers are notorious for their belief that they are invulnerable. The dual threats of Sills or pregnancy are not enough reasons for many teens to delay sex. Furthermore, as important as it is for teens (and adults) to confine their sexual activity to marriage to avoid life-threatening illness, there are even better reasons to do so when we understand sexuality in terms of our being creatures in God's image.

As parents, if we try to prevent our children's involvement in sex by appealing to the dangers, we are going to fall short. In fact, surveys of church youth reveal there is not a significantly different rate of sexual activity among them than there is in the general population.

We must go beyond scriptural proof--texts condemning fornication and teach our children the meaning and purpose behind the proscription. This means we must be clear ourselves about a biblical, Christian theology of sexuality. This is an understanding of how God is revealed to us through our sexuality and what God's purpose is in creating us as sexual beings.

So, how do we talk with our adolescents about sex? What do we say?

First, initiate the conversation. Don't wait for your son or daughter to approach you. Approach them first. Give them the message you are interested and feel safe enough to discuss the topic.

Second, recognize that it is likely to be uncomfortable for both parent and teen. This discomfort lessens if you've established a pattern of openness about sexuality, but is probably not totally avoidable. Accept the discomfort as normal, and don't worry about it.

Third, look for naturally occurring opportunities to discuss sexuality. This avoids creating an arbitrary, awkward time for talking about sex and allows for learning in context.

Simply watching television yields a multitude of "teachable moments" to evaluate what is being portrayed on the screen from a Christian understanding of sexuality. Ask teens what they think about what they have just watched. What is the underlying message? Is it a realistic or distorted view of sex? Share your views and reactions as well, but avoid succumbing to the temptation of turning the conversation into a sermon.

Newspapers and magazines also can spark conversation about sexuality. These days, stories of sexual harassment, sexual abuse, and similar topics are almost constantly before us. How do you and your teen respond to these from a biblical sexual ethic? An example: Time's May 24, 1993, coverstory was "Kids, Sex and Values" (a remarkably balanced article on the topic). Read such an article with your child, and then talk about it.

Fourth, be explicit. Use real words. Don't couch your conversation in euphemisms. For example, spelling        "s-e-x" instead of saying the word out loud or referring to "down there" as opposed to "penis" or "vagina," conveys an attitude of discomfort about sex that will inhibit the healthy, open communication you are seeking.

Again, this requires parents to be comfortable with sex themselves. A good starting point may be to talk openly with your spouse about sexuality before trying to do so with your child. Explicitness does not imply lewdness or vulgarity. Obscenity communicates discomfort with sexuality as loudly as euphemism.

Fifth, encourage your teens to be fully sexual and to enjoy their sexuality with all its sensations, urges, and emotions, but to discipline their behavior to conform to God's model. Sexual attraction, arousal, and disciplined physical closeness are legitimate experiences for Christian teens. Becoming attuned to the nuances of being male and female and how each gender complements each other is also what is involved in being fully sexual.

This contrasts with an approach that tries to get adolescents to turn off or defer their sexual feelings. It's no help to tell them simply to "take a cold shower." Such an approach is futile. We can't turn off our sexuality. To try to do so prevents us from integrating our sexuality into our personhood, forces some to "go underground" with their sexual behavior, and robs us of the joy of our sexuality, whether or not we are sexually active.

Sixth, respect your child's privacy. As much as possible, apply the "secrecy versus privacy" distinction when you approach your teen about sexual matters. I have seen parental "search and seizure" operations in teenagers' bedrooms do far more harm than any good produced by their discovery of love letters and other clandestine activity.

Seventh, use available resources. You can walk into any Christian book store and find several books addressing sexuality. Some target teens, some parents. These are helpful and can serve as a starting point for conversation.

I recommend two books that take a broader look at sexuality, and develop a theology of sex. The books target an adult audience, but depending on your teen's maturity, might be useful reading for them as well. The first book is Lewis Smedes' Sex for Christians. The second is Dwight Small's Christian:Celebrate Your Sexuality. In addition, the first few chapters in Clifford and Joyce Penner's book, The Gift of Sex, also discuss sexuality from a biblical, theological perspective.

Finally, and most important, convey to your teen that sex is far more than a list of DOs and DON'Ts. Our sexuality is an essential part of who we are as creatures in God's image. Lewis Smedes outlines three essential purposes woven through our sexuality:

1. The sexuality of every person is meant to be woven into the whole character of that person and integrated into [his/ her] quest for human values.
2. The sexuality of every person is meant to be an urge toward and a means of expressing a deep personal relationship with another person.
3. The sexuality of every person is meant to move [him/her] toward a . . . union of committed love.

When we consider these purposes, sanctions against sexual relations outside marriage, pornography, and other sexual immorality are no longer arbitrary or archaic rules designed to kill our pleasure or our freedom. On the contrary, the sanctions strike at the heart of the true meaning of our sexuality and enable us to fulfill freely God's purpose in our imaging of our Creator.

We all have some idea about what not to do, what to do, and how to do it. We need to go beyond this and help our children answer the question, "Why?"

When we and our children have a clear understanding of and commitment to the meaning of our sexuality and the theology behind that meaning, our sexual behavior will take care of itself. What we do sexually will follow who we are sexually: our "sexual hearts" will be in the right place (cf., Matthew 5:27-28). We will be sexual people.