Laughing at Stress

by Dane Wysocki, M.S., as told to Valerie Nanninga Engeltjes, M.A.

Your perspective determines how to cope with stress. Perspective guides and shapes us. One of the best ways to cope with stress is to develop what for many is a different perspective on stress and on life itself.

Here's an example. I travel around the country talking to groups about how to cope with stress. Regardless of where I go, when I meet people for the first time, they mistake me for a K-Mart assistant store manager.

I'm a psychologist by training, so I used to get a little upset about that. Then I realized life is much too short to get upset about something so trivial. Now, if I'm in a K-Mart and someone comes up to me and asks me where the hardware section is, I show them.

I believe your perspective can guide you correctly in times of stress and worry. It helps remind us that those experiences in our lives happen for a reason--to teach us, inspire us, or maybe to remind us of what is simple and joyful in life. Life is more fun if we're along for the ride instead of getting run over by it. Your perspective allows you to do that.

A Defining Moment of Perspective
When my wife, Karin, and I were expecting our first child, we had an ultrasound exam. The technician described the anatomical parts of the child and asked if we wanted to find out the sex. Karin and I open our Christmas presents early, so, of course, we wanted to know the child's gender. The technician focused on the genitalia and said, "Do you see how that looks like a hamburger? We think that means it's going to be a baby girl."

Naturally, I said, "What's a boy, a hot dog?" She said, "No, a turtle."

So for 4-1/2 months, we planned and put all our emotional energy to prepare for this wonderful event--the birth of our baby girl.

Two days before Karin went into labor, we had another ultrasound done with a new technician. I told her the hamburger/hot dog story, and as I described it, she noticed that something was amiss. She asked if we wanted to confirm the sex. Karin said yes and I said no, so I left the room. Karin found out that our hamburger had miraculously evolved into a turtle. She told everyone--friends, relatives, neighbors. Everyone knew except me.

The night of the birth, the labor room was so exciting, frantic, and chaotic. All night long, I was saying, "Halley's a beautiful name, Honey. I think Megan could be a good name, too."

The baby was born. The doctor delivered it and said, "Congratulations, you have a beautifu baby boy."

"Honey, it's a turtle!" I cried, still overcome.

I never could have described the term "tears of joy" until that moment. I look back at that as a defining moment of perspective for me. Think of it. How many times do you put all of your energy and emotional resources into planning and preparing for a certain event and at the actual moment of truth what ends up happening is completely different from what you expected, yet it's still miraculous and wonderful?

How great it would be to walk through life with that perspective.

We don't always. We can't--because we're adults. As adults, we've learned that life is complicated and needs to be taken seriously.

Teaching Our Children, But Can We Also Learn from Them?
As parents, it's our job to role model behavior for our children, to bring them up, to show them the way. But how often do we allow our children to be role models for us? We certainly teach our children in the ways or the world, but we also can learn from them, particularly on how they view life.

One summer, I was in the backyard  with my three-year-old turtle, Cameron. He was playing baseball with himself. He threw the ball up, took a swing with the bat, and missed. He had no reaction, and I was a little curious about what he was going to do. He tossed the ball up a second time, swung the bat, and missed again. No fit, no temper tantrum. He picked the ball up a third time, took another swing, and missed again.

By this time, I was quite proud because he still didn't get angry. I walked over, put my arm around him, and said, "Cameron, that's OK, buddy. A lot of times we're just not able to hit that baseball."

He looked up at me and said, "No, Dad, I was the pitcher."

Perspective. Children have this ability to look at life in the simplest of ways. Children's job is to play. And play means laughter. Research shows that children laugh 300 times in a day. When's the last time we laughed 300 times in a day? When was the last time you laughed so hard you blew milk out of your nose? Has it been a while?

I love the quote: "An optimist is someone who laughs to forget, but a pessimist is someone who forgets to laugh." How true that is when we talk about the pressures of life that face us every day.

Appreciating Relationships
One question I ask people who are dealing with pressures and changes is: "What is it that gets you to do whatever it is you do every day?" Some say it's the paycheck. Other say they love the work. Most people, however, when asked that question will say, "It's the people"--the people with whom you connect every day. These are the people you cannot only laugh with, but the people you can cry with, as well. The people you seek out when you really need support.

These connections allow us to never have to face difficult circumstances alone and what allow us to survive the stresses of everyday life.

How Men and Women Handle Stress
Who deals with stress better, men or women?

Men tell me women do because they talk with other women. Women think men do because they say men are selfish.

Stress used to be clearly the domain of men in terms of heart attacks, migraines, ulcers, and strokes--all those stress-related physical symptoms. Now women are experiencing those physiological effects of stress in equal percentages as men.

Actually, neither one deals with it better, but we can learn from each other. Men can learn from women to relate and to talk to one another, to support one another, and to seek out that support when it's needed. My wife can call up another woman and say, "Let's go outside and talk" for no reason. And they do it. For hours.

Can you imagine a man calling another man and saying, "Hey, Jim, let's go outside and talk." The response would be: "I don't know. Will we be competing in some way?" Yes, men can learn a great deal about how to relate to one another.

What can women learn from men? Well, when a man gets sick, he becomes a whiner and can't even get up to get the remote for the TV. We're completely helpless. But that's because men have learned to take care of themselves first and then take care of others. The caveman knew if he didn't take care of himself, not only would he perish, but so would his family. When those oxygen masks fall from the airplane, the flight attendant tells you to put it over your mouth first, then help those around you. How many women set aside times for themselves to do something solely for themselves and to take care of themselves first? If they don't, they need to.

Learning from Others
There are people in our lives who show us examples how to or not to cope. My father doesn't necessarily cope with the changes of technology well but always maintains his sense of humor. He still believes the fax machine is a miracle. He thinks the piece of paper you put in the fax machine is the actual piece of paper the other person gets. He's convinced there are tubes like at the bank that transport the piece of paper all over the world.

I saw him faxing something one day and said, "Dad, that's not a stamp you're putting on, is it?" He denied it as he palmed the stamp. Then I said, "Does the person you're faxing that to have a fax machine?' He said, "No, but I heard it's a lot quicker to send that way." How do you argue with that kind of logic?

My dad's goal in life was to someday get an automatic ice maker because my older sister and I would take out the ice cube tray, pop out all but that last ice cube, and stick the tray back in with one cube in it so we never had to refill it with water.

My dad never had enough ice. Constant disappointment every day--until my mother bought him an automatic ice maker. He was thrilled.

Now my dad doesn't delve into the inner workings of these technological devices, so he doesn't really know how the ice makes itself. At some point, he started to think, "This thing makes a lot of ice. I've got to start drinking more to keep up with the ice production." Then he started worrying that he would not be able to keep up, so he started to empty the ice bucket every couple of hours.

"Logic" kicked in, and he thought, "How am I going to sleep?" His solution was to set the alarm for 3:00 a.m., go downstairs, and empty the ice bucket, knowing if he didn't he'd wake up with the house floating down the street. At some point, he decided he was wasting perfectly good ice. His solution was to take the ice, put it in bags, and put the bags in the freezer in the garage.

I came home from college and was surprised at how tired Dad looked. I asked how he was doing, and he said, "Dane, you have to come see this." He showed me the freezer in the garage with dozens of bags of ice in it. At this point, I was concerned about his mental health.

He said, "That ice maker is nothing but a nightmare. I'd rather go back to the trays." We walked into the kitchen, and I showed my dad the bar that stops the ice from continually making itself. He mumbled something about, "You'd think for that kind of money, the Sears guy would tell you about this stupid bar."

Then he started to get it. He realized how stressful and dumb this had been, and he started to laugh.

The best gift my father has ever taught me is that ability to laugh at yourself when you've done something that incredibly dumb. As he walked away from this event that had tortured him for the last week and a half, he said, smiling, "When did life get so complicated?"

The answer to that was the day we became adults.

When was the day we became adults? It was the day we walked around the mud puddle instead of walking through the mud puddle. On that day, something happened where we started thinking differently and worrying.

Return to Simplicity
When we lose our sights on perspective, when life becomes overwhelming, we can always look back to how children look at the world. I was driving with a 1O-year-old neighbor when a flock of geese flew overhead. He said, "Dane, do you know why one side is longer than the other?" I thought, "I've seen thousands of flocks of geese, and I always wondered why that was. Is it the direction they're going, maybe the leader was on that side." So I asked, "Why is one side longer than the other side?" He said, "More geese on that side."

Life is pretty simple. We can make it that way in spite of ourselves.

Stress Factors
Many different factors affect your ability to cope with stress.

• Your personality. Are you a perfectionist versus being flexible and adaptable?
• Your environment. Is your office cluttered or organized?
• Your mental abilities. Can you concentrate or are you easily distracted?
• Your emotions. Are you calm and rational or do you feel guilt, anger, or resentment?
• Your spiritual state. Do you rely on God and religion to help you through stressful times or does your spiritual journey cause you stress?

All of these factors determine not only your perspective, but also how you may tend to respond and behave in times of stress.

Options for Dealing with Stress
How do you choose to deal with stress? One option is the "fight or flight response" we've all heard. But we can't physically fight today, so we fight differently. We become rebellious, hostile, sarcastic, and insulting. We get some of that internal aggression out.

We can flee. But fleeing is dangerous, so we deny. We suppress. We use fantasy or regression. We can freeze--decide to do nothing. We can procrastinate and just wait until it's over.

So, how do we cope? Coping comes largely by your perspective, by your ability to not do it alone, to connect with those around you. Maintain the idea that life is simple. Do what's simple. When your body is tired, exercise your mind. When your mind is tired, exercise your body. Simplify your life and say "no" to too many commitments.

And once again, remember the option to take what you do seriously while taking yourself lightly. The ability to maintain perspective, to laugh at yourself, and take pleasures in the wonders around you every day is what will allow you to survive any stress you encounter.

And if I ever forget that life can be fun and exciting and take pleasure in even the simplest joys, I remember the vision of my three-year-old son climbing naked out of the tub, going to his room, putting on a tool belt, cowboy boots, and hard hat, jumping up and down on his bed singing, "I'm a little teapot, short and stout." And I think to myself, "You know, it has been weeks since I've done that."